True gifts come from the heart, not the shelves. Plus, gifts from the heart don't require standing in lines or dodging carts that are being driven by crazy, frantic people.
Handmade things like quilts or little carved wooden elephants make the best gifts from the heart.
And the worse you are at your craft, the "quainter" it is, so you can't lose. The most poorly crafted gifts earn "bless his heart" status.
"What is that, some kind of wooden bug?"
"Oh no, it's a carved elephant. Ken made that, bless his heart."
"What, in kindergarten?"
My wife, Joyce, always shops for Christmas before Christmas actually happens. Don't ask me why.
Sometimes she wants me to go shopping with her.
Now, I would go with Joyce to the ends of the earth if she asked me — as long as there is no mall at the ends of the earth.
Usually I can avoid the question by revving up the chain saw and screaming, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" very loudly, so she seldom asks me to go shopping while I have it handy, which is most of the time in November and December.
At night when I'm asleep, I make sure to sleep with my left, deaf, ear up, so if she suggests shopping in the middle of the night, I can just scream "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" very loudly again.
It's the rare times I don't have the chain saw running and I'm not asleep that she pounces.
"Want some more potatoes? Let's go get that chair thing for Jackie tonight. Gravy?" She's sly.
That's when I have to be creative.
"Of course! I was hoping you'd want to go shopping tonight. Gadget should be all right until we get back, if we hurry. I think the bleeding's mostly internal."
I don't actually come out and say our little dog may have been kicked by a horse so we shouldn't go to the store and leave him alone. I just hint around at it.
These gambits seldom actually work.
Once I am in the store, however, I am committed to being part of the shopping team. I can find the perfect present in no time. If Joyce would just listen to me, we could get all our shopping done in a half hour.
"Jackie, Kristi and Kathy would all love one of these," I say, putting three identical jigsaws into the cart. "And look! Here's three more just like them for Frank and the grandkids. We're done!"
No, no, no. The rules say you can't get everyone the same gift. They always compare notes later, and I guess some unwritten law says that a gift is supposed to be personal, only acquired after a great deal of thought.
Who makes these stupid rules?
So you end up going to one store for a Steelers beanbag chair, another store for a custom knife set, another store for the My Pretty Princess Malibu Volkswagen, etc., etc.
The easiest gift, of course, is soap-on-a-rope. I've received many soaps on ropes during my life, and the killer part is that when the soap is all gone, the rope is still good. They should make refill soaps you can attach to the old ropes.
The second easiest gift is money, but you have to be careful. If you give money, you're letting the recipient know exactly how much you spent, so it's too easy for them to compare it with what they spent on you.
Worse, if the person you're gifting is just as lazy as you and gives you money as a gift, what's the point of the exchange? And how embarrassing is it if that person gives you $50 and your gift to that person is $20?
At that point it doesn't score many points if the gift you gave was in a nicer card.
For you younger gentlemen out there who may not have the benefit of my years of experience, let me say it's a very bad idea to give your wife $20 for Christmas.
Jigsaws are good, though.
Ken York's column appears in The Daily Record, Lebanon, Mo. It is reprinted here with permission.
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