Last week, authorities revealed that the personal journals of Osama Bin Laden were part of the haul when U.S. forces stormed the compound in Pakistan and killed him.
I quickly obtained copies of some of these journals from secret sources in the CIA.
***
July 17, 2005
Dear Diary,
Good news! My second wife, Alimah, has said she is pregnant again. She is truly blessed of Allah and will bear me my 72nd child. This is Alimah's seventh.
Imam Abdul-Hakim has allayed my worries about how this could have come to pass. As I have told you before, dear diary, it has been many years since I have been able to partake of some aspects of my marriages, so I have questioned how my wives seem constantly to be with child.
The good imam tells me, however, that this is the way with the most faithful of Mohammad's followers. Allah just blesses them and blesses them.
That is why the imams all spend so much time in the compound close to the wives, I suspect. They must enjoy being so near to the holy miracles.
This truly is a day for good news. The Freedom Fighters beat the Infidels, 18-4, in the championship game of the Al Qaeda Intramural Softball League today. I myself hit two home runs and made some good plays in the field at shortstop. Allah be praised!
— OBL
Sept. 26, 2008
Dear Diary,
It hurts so much to write in this position! I am kneeling on my mat in the mosque, facing Mecca. When I went to pray yesterday morning, I threw out my back and cannot get up.
As the leader of a major terrorist network, it would be embarrassing to admit my weakness to the men. I have told them that I am continuing to pray to Allah for the destruction of the infidels. They take my occasional cries of pain as signs that I am communing with holy forces.
What makes it worse is that this is our week with the grandchildren. Khaliq and Rafi have been playing leapfrog over me for about 30 hours now. I would like to have them whipped, but then I would have to put up with Najat's whining for weeks.
Because of all this, I am falling behind on my production schedule for my video to be released on the eve of the American election. It may have to end up being a Christmas special, Allah willing.
— OBL
Aug. 6, 2010
Dear Diary,
Farid hogged the qawwrama at lunch again today. The doctor keeps telling me I should eat and keep my strength up, but how can I when that beardless dog dips his filthy fat fingers into the bowl and grabs everything before I have a chance?
If he weren't my fourth wife's third brother, Farid would be cleaning cesspits in Iraq for a living. Instead he sits around the firing range all day, drinking tea and making fun of the heroic freedom fighters who are training to destroy the infidels.
I try not to be overly suspicious, dear diary, but sometimes I suspect that Farid is not as loyal as he should be. It seems odd to me that he has been sent on six suicide missions and he always comes back. I admit his excuses have seemed valid, but no one else has ever returned from more than two.
Allah forgive me, but I could have killed Farid last week when he made that giant arrow out of rocks, pointing to the compound. It probably seemed pretty funny at the time, I suppose, but even the ignorant blasphemous infidel Americans probably can follow such an arrow in their hated helicopters, and it would have been easy for them to see it with their cursed predator drones!
I had no pity for Farid as I ordered him out into the scorching sun to move the stones so the arrow pointed in the opposite direction. Let the hated infidels make of that what they will!
— OBL
***
All right, I admit it. Those aren't really Bin Laden's journals. I made the whole thing up.
Ken York writes a weekly column for The Daily Record in Lebanon, Mo. He can be reached at kyork@lebanondailyrecord.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment