Originally published April 3, 2011
Made it through another April Fool's Day. This time, it was close.
Some aspects of my job make this particular holiday perilous. Normally, I am unsupervised as I craft the front page of The Daily Record's Sunday edition. I literally could put anything I wanted on it.
I've known since my first day at the newspaper that the year April 1 falls on a Sunday, I'll probably be hunting a job on Monday.
C'mon, admit it. You'd do it too.
The possibilities are endless. Headline ideas include:
"CITY LEADER REVEALED TO BE SPACE ALIEN: THIS EXPLAINS A LOT, SAYS COUNCILMAN"
That would be a good one, and utterly believable.
"YORK WINS LOTTERY, PURCHASES WORLD PEACE" I like that one too.
"GILA MONSTER THREATENS PHILLIPSBURG"
"SUN EXPLODES: EFFECTS WILL COME MONDAY, SAY SCIENTISTS"
"ROTARY DECLARES WAR ON KIWANIS: DOZENS DIE IN PREDAWN RAID"
"RESEARCHERS DISCOVER COWS POSSESSED BY DEMONS"
I dislike cows. They've been known to attack without warning. Cud-chewing devils. The black ones are impossible to see when you're driving home on a dark state highway at night. But that's a story for another day.
"DIRT-EATING CHILD EXHIBITS MENTAL POWERS" I'm sure I could find a picture of an anonymous grubby little urchin on the Internet to run with that story.
"AYRES, CLAIR FINALLY TO WED" Just giving you a hard time, Jon and Paula.
"PEARCE LEADS COUP AT DAILY RECORD; HUNDREDS SLAIN" Kirk Pearce might get a kick out of that one, but my bosses might not.
Last week, Julie the editor was planning to take off on Friday. That would have left me doing Page One that day. After I pointed out the date, she decided to come on in to work.
You'd think she doesn't trust me. Heh heh.
Still, I tried to talk her into putting a little blurb on the front page that day:
"Find the untrue news story in this edition and you could win $1,000!" The joke, of course, would have been that some of our more credulous readers might have scoured the newspaper for the fake April Fools story.
It would have been interesting to field the calls and see which real news stories the readers found unbelievable.
Of course, it would have stopped being funny if they had really found one and I had to fork over the cash myself. How do you explain that one to your wife?
Uh oh. Guess what day April 1 falls on in 2012? I better get that resume updated.
***
I had a nice visit at the office a week or so ago from a lovely elderly lady whom I'll refer to as Mrs.
P. I went to the reception area to greet her, hand outstretched.
"Oh, I'm a hugger," she said, and hugged me. "I'm a kisser too," she said wickedly, and I stepped back.
It turns out Mrs. P thinks some of the things I write are funny.
"You must have kind of a twisted sense of humor," I told her honestly. She wasn't offended. Her daughter also is a little warped, she admitted.
"Bet that gets her in a lot of trouble," I said. Mrs. P indicated she could sure tell me some stories about that child.
I assumed then it was my opinion column that Mrs. P finds funny, but now I'm not so sure. I should have asked. What if it's my news articles that people are laughing at?
Would anybody tell me?
Ken York's column appears in The Daily Record, Lebanon, Mo. It is reprinted here with permission.
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