A 30-day February would result in an 84 percent increase in the number of violent crimes per year, according to statistics I just invented. A 31-day February would cause all our heads to spontaneously explode.
At least this isn't a Leap Year. Years with even one extra day in February are horrible.
You'll notice that all our worst presidents have been elected during years with 29 February days. You would think for the sake of the country, somebody would notice and change the schedule.
More Americans have been defeated at the Olympics during Leap Years than any other years. Coincidence?
I don't think so.
If the Mayans had any mercy, they would have ended their calendar on Jan. 31, 2012, instead of in December.
We're going to have to live through one more 29-day February before the world ends. Stupid Mayans.
In Heaven, there will be no February, and January will be shorter too.
Otherwise, they won't be able to call it Heaven. In Hell, February has 36 days usually and 37 in Leap Years. If that isn't enough to get you back into church, brother, I can't help you.
What do you do in February?
Once the Super Bowl's played, there are no decent sports (unless you like the one where the players prance around on an indoor wooden court in short pants. No thanks).
Well, at least there's Valentine's Day. Here's a good idea; let's stick the holiday where you're supposed to express your love and devotion to that special someone right in themiddle of the month that has you and that special someone in terrible moods and experiencing debilitating cabin fever.
More people go to emergency rooms after being pelted by chocolates on Valentine's Day than on any other day of the year. (Hint to husbands: Chocolate covered cherries don't leave a scar like chocolate covered nuts do.)
I bet Hitler was born during February. No, I looked it up. It was April. Should have been February.
Paris Hilton, Pauly Shore and Charles Barkley all were born during February. That's what February has contributed to our culture. (I'm ignoring the fact that the Father of Our Country was born during February simply because I don't want to give February any credit. Call me biased if you want.)
February is the hardest month both to spell and pronounce.
No one in the history of the world ever has uttered the phrase, "It's so nice here in February." No one looks forward to February. Bears sleep through February because they have more sense than monkeys.
But according to February-born Charles Darwin, we're not descended from bears, so we're not allowed to hibernate.
Did you know that "Mubarak" is the Egyptian word for "February?" The Western media has totally misunderstood what those protests are all about.
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Speaking of the screwed up media, a radio news person gave this report early Thursday: Sperm that has been frozen for 20 years was used to produce a litter of Great Dane puppies, so the mother ended up having puppies long after she was dead.
I'm not kidding. The guy really said that.
Ken York's column appears in The Daily Record, Lebanon, Mo. It is reprinted here with permission.
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