Long has it been believed that the size of a man's feet is indicative of length and girth in other parts of the male body. Now, thanks to candidate Marco Rubio, attention has centered upon the size of candidate Donald Trump's hands, which appear on television to be smaller than average for a man of his stature. Speculation has arisen that perhaps other physical characteristics of Trump might be less than impressive, size-wise.
In a nationally televised debate on Thursday, Trump gravely and bravely disclosed to America that the speculation is unfounded, and that the dimensions of other, more male-specific, parts of his body are not a problem. "Guaranteed," he said.
How can we be sure?
I would never doubt the honesty and integrity of a human who aspires to the most powerful position in the world. Throughout history we have seen time and again an American president whose statesmanship, wisdom and honor carried the country from darkness to light and prosperity. It would be unconscionable for one to seek that office who did not possess such qualities.
Yet also it is an American tenet, mostly unspoken, that the nation's president, if male, must be the embodiment of manliness. Traditionally, an indicator of such manliness has been physical dimensions, normally concealed, of an impressive size.
Similarly, it is unlikely that the first female president will not also be the epitome of womanhood with physical dimensions to match. There is a reason America remembers Loni Anderson from the television show, "WKRP in Cincinnati," but few can recalll the name of the actress who played Bailey on that same program despite that she was an altogether more agreeable character.
I digress, however. As the future of the nation hangs in the balance, uncertain Americans are uncomfortably asking themselves the question: How big is Trump?
I humbly submit to you that the only way to lay this question to rest is to employ a technique as old as the first primitive engineering. "The Donald's" physical dimensions are an object of public scrutiny in order for him to be considered for this august role, so he must be measured.
The circumstances of this endeavor must be fair to the candidate, of course. Some physical dimensions are not always the same because they have a tendency to change as the result of stimuli, and I suggest it is the stimulated dimension that should be considered by voters when making their decisions about casting their ballots.
It must be discovered, as discreetly as possible, what stimulus would result in the greatest advantage for this candidate before the tape measure is employed. While pictures of his wife without clothes are not difficult to find via the Internet, I suggest that perhaps a 10-foot-by-10-foot portrait of the candidate himself might be the most effective image.
Artists might be able to alter the image somewhat using graphics software to make the hands appear larger.