All the fun presents are already purchased. That Wii that will light up a child's entire life (and probably chunk about 15 pounds onto the little angel before Spring) is already hidden on the shelf in the top of Mom's closet.
(Hint to moms - We always looked there first. I recommend putting it behind some industrial grade rat traps. OK, mouse traps, maybe; none of us can afford the emergency room this time of year.)
The new bike is safely in Gramma's garage, and the stereo for the teenager is wrapped and comfortably nestled under the gleaming tree.
By the way, brace yourself. It's not going to be as good as Johnny's friend's stereo no matter what. You're going to hear something like, "The remote control doesn't even work the equalizer," on Christmas morning. I recommend ego fortification via cookies.
So the presents you will be buying in the coming week are going to be afterthoughts, dreaded purchases with what little cash or credit you have left.
Statistics that I just made up show that in the three days before Christmas, more soap-on-a-rope is bought than during the entire rest of the year.
There really is a website, soaponarope.com. Spare yourself the stress of the coming week and go order a dozen.
They have soap-on-a-rope shaped like soccer balls and baseballs. What could be better than that?
If you stubbornly intend to grind it out in the stores this week, however, be prepared to be surrounded by people just like you who have put off theleast fun buying until now.
Imagine the festive atmosphere! Grinding teeth, under breath cursing (if you're polite) and shopping cart demolition derby await.
I will be shopping in the coming week as well, so if you see me, say hello, and please don't be offended if I cuss at you. It's just that time of year.
I haven't put off my shopping for any reason except we won't have any money until Monday. Catastrophic car repairs have grinched our Christmas. It makes me feel good that our favorite mechanic is going to be able to get his kids trips to Europe this year.
Don't tell Joyce, but I already bought her present over the Internet. Who wouldn't like a soap-on-a-rope shaped like a bunny? If she uses it ears-first, pretty soon it'll look like a soap-on-arope shaped like a squirrel.
So what if it looks like the cute little critter has been hanged? She'll be able to make up a fun little story about the bunny's capital crimes every time she uses it.
Sometimes I don't know how I manage to come up with the perfect gift year after year.
Many times I have been the recipient of gifts purchased in a panic during the last days preceding Christmas. I'm probably hard to buy for, not because I already have everything, but because I tend to make fun of everything. So it's my own fault.
The only advice I can give you for the coming week is that everyone can use a jigsaw. If someone already has one, point out that if you duct-tape them together, you can cut a parallel design in plywood in half the time it would take using only one.
If they can't see the value in that, they're just too hard to please.
Ken York's column appears in The Daily Record, Lebanon, Mo. It is reprinted here with permission.
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