Fun things to do with caution tape

There's a roll of caution tape in the back of my car, calling to me.

Joyce found it at a yard sale a few weeks ago. She didn't buy it for any particular reason except that she knew I would want it. I think it cost a dollar.

I was thinking about using it last week on the bottom step of the house, which finally had broken all the way. Instead of fixing the step, it would be funny just to string up the tape.

The only one besides us who would have seen it would have been Dad, who visits us most Sundays. Truthfully, the busted step was kind of his fault, in a way. I would have fixed it two months ago, but every week he has provided a progress report on its demise.

September: "That bottom step's getting a little loose."

October: "I almost fell coming up them steps. That bottom one's awful loose."

November: "I see he ain't got around to getting that step fixed. Somebody's going to break a leg."

December: "That bottom step's gone. Did you see that step's gone? Is he gonna fix it?"

Dad tends to ask Joyce about my intentions while I'm sitting right there at the table across from him. Sometimes I feel like answering, "I don't know what he's planning to do about it."

I don't know about you and your dad, but when mine says "north" I head south. It's been that way since I was 10 or so. That doesn't mean I haven't had cause to admit he was right at least half the time.

The caution tape on the step would have given him apoplexy.

But the little dogs prevailed upon my better nature Saturday morning. Gizzy and Gadget couldn't make the initial leap to get onto the second step, so we were having to go outside and get them every time we let them in.

(The little dogs believe an hour has been wasted if they haven't been out and back in at least three times.)

So now that the step is fixed (and I can't wait until Dad sees it Sunday), I don't know what to do with the caution tape, but I have ideas.

My first thought was to caution-tape the cubicle of my colleague, Fines. I could have done it Saturday afternoon so his week could start off on the right foot Monday morning. I'm off Mondays, so I would have missed his reaction, though.

I guess it would be fun to just string caution tape across any door in town and wait to see how the people who want to go in and out react to it. Would a family not cross its own threshold if caution tape were blocking the way? How long would they wait?

It's probably illegal to use caution tape for a practical joke. If we were allowed to do that, then people would no longer respect caution tape, and they'd be falling down open manholes and into wet concrete all over the place.

***

I zoomed in as far as possible on the new legislative district map on the state's website and discovered my house is cut in half. Indeed, the line runs right down the middle of the bed. Joyce, Eureka Stripe and Gizmo are in the 129th District, and Ben, Gadget, Sally and I are in the 123rd.

You can't tell me it's a coincidence that the only two bleeding heart liberals in Falcon are now in different districts. This is proof of the kind of gerrymandering that the judicial panel was supposed to protect us against. It's obvious to me that Joyce and I must have intimidated the powers that be as a cohesive voting bloc.

The good news is that if somebody we don't like gets elected in 2012 in one of the districts, we can just move the bed.

***

I guess I'll just use that caution tape as a garland for the Christmas tree when we get around to putting it up.