I’m counting on the Mayans

Let's just assume the Mayans are right, and the Earth is going to explode or get hit by a comet or get drawn into a black hole on Dec. 21, 2012.


As a person who puts off Christmas shopping until absolutely the last possible instant, I'm going out with money in my pocket while all you nauseatingly conscientious people who believe in prior planning and scheduling are going to be really fumed.


I'm getting in my "I told you so" in advance, here.


I can think of few things worse than going through all the blood, sweat and tears of preparing for Christmas and then having the Earth's atmosphere sucked away by bug-shaped aliens or whatever four days beforehand.


There is an upside to knowing when Doomsday is scheduled to occur. You think I'm not going to be taking out loans and living large during the next year? I'll have a fishing boat, indoor plumbing and maybe even a car with air conditioning during the summer. I'll eat everything fried, since there's no sense worrying about your cholesterol when there's a giant bullseye on your planet.


For our Mayan readers, I know I have been critical of your people in this column in the past. Now, however, I am fully behind you and your prediction of global devastation.


Of course, all the "experts" are saying the Mayans never really predicted Doomsday. They just ran out of days on the 5,126-year calendar. It's just going to be the beginning of the next cycle.


Yeah, right. What else would the "experts" say? They're all secretly backed by the government, which doesn't want everyone to panic.


I never understood that characteristic of the government in the movies. Why would the government care if people panicked or not? It's not like keeping a cool head is going to protect anybody from the end of the world.


I guess staying calm is a little more dignified than running around in circles, waving your arms and screaming, however. And much less tiring.


Just once in an end-of-the-world movie, I want to see the president get on TV and say, "Well, if any of y'all haven't panicked yet, it's probably about that time."


When the time comes for worldwide panic, it's going to be handy for people to have experience with bloodthirsty, violent, screaming mobs of crazy people, so obviously you Black Friday shoppers and Cleveland Browns fans are going to have an advantage over the rest of us.


Probably humanity should concentrate on leaving something behind for alien archaeologists to discover a few billion years from now. DVDs of the complete series of Gilligan's Island, all the J.R.R. Tolkien books and the frozen, sleeping body of Albert Pujols should be launched in a space capsule for storage on the moon. Preferably before the start of the baseball season.


Ken York is the assistant editor of The Daily Record. Past columns and other writings may be viewed on his blog at http://ken-york.blogspot.com/.