I don't think I really have 89 'friends'

Originally published May 29, 2011, in the Lebanon Daily Record in Lebanon, Mo. I'm on Facebook, but I don't really know why. The only thing I like about it is the ability to "poke" people.

In case you're not an initiate, I'll explain. When you sign up for this thing on the Internet called "Facebook," you'll get a bunch of "friends." I don't know why this is so, but it is. I can't remember how it happened to me, but as of now I have 89 "friends," and I'm a Facebook lightweight. Some of my "friends" have hundreds of friends.

I can't remember the names of 20 people in real life, much less 89.

Looking through the list, however, I can't find anyone I don't know to some degree. The funny thing is, if we met on the street, many of us might not recognize each other.

But I know what many of them had for breakfast every day last week. I know what their plans are for the weekend and whether they're feeling down in the dumps.

It's crazy.

Facebook gives me faith that America still is the land of the indolent, jam-packed with people who have way too much time on their hands. For all the talk of our fast-paced, modern society, people still get on the computer and "LOL" at each other all day and all night.

Some of my "friends" are very busy people, but they still have time for Facebook. What do they do there? They relate every casual little detail of their lives ad nauseum.

For example, some guy got on Facebook last week and was ecstatic about the great hot dog he had for lunch.

Then the next day, the guy reported he had gone and got the same hot dog again for lunch. Did anyone care? Not likely.

(Well, all right, I'll admit it: That was me. But it was really a great hot dog. I walked down the street from the office and ordered a Mexican Dog. It has guacamole, cilantro, onions, tomatoes, cheese sauce and jalapenos.)

Facebook gets on my nerves because people who will hide their troubles beneath a veneer of cheeriness in real life will expose every little ache, pain and whine on Facebook.

I'm still in favor of putting up a strong front, suffering in silence, that sort of thing. I rarely offer sympathy, and I don't offer to pray for people who have a sprained finger. I'm a terrible Facebooker.

There are perks to Facebook, however. One of my "friends" is a state representative, for example. I didn't ask this state rep to be my "friend" because I need to get some legislation passed. I know him, but we've never watched baseball together or even had lunch, so it wasn't because of a close personal relationship.

I asked him to be my "friend" because I wanted to have the ability to "poke" him.

Poking is not real. There is neither a finger nor a stick involved.

Facebook just tells you that you have been "poked" and gives you the option to "poke back."

When he accepted my "friend" request, I LOL'd, because now I have the ability to "poke" a person who is important and get the somber Facebook message: "You have poked Darrell Pollock. He will be informed of this on his home page."

I would never poke Darrell Pollock in real life. I haven't poked him on Facebook either, but it's fun to know I could if I wanted.

Speaking of pokers, there is a guy who used to be a city political figure who didn't run for re-election in April.

He said he wanted to spend more time with his wife and family and concentrate on his career - but that was just a smokescreen.

Now instead of helping to run Lebanon, he has more time to poke people on Facebook.

Ken York is the assistant editor of The Daily Record. Past columns and other writings may be viewed at www.ken-york.blogspot.com. He can be reached at kyork@lebanondailyrecord.com.